I was recently given an assignment to write about my life as if it occurred differently in a "perfect world". I was also told to have fun and be creative, the following is the result.

Note: I am not nor do I claim to be an excellent writer.


WARNING: IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED OR A DOUCHE DON'T READ ANY FARTHER

Chris Kronen was born April 8th 1986, since this day the world has never been the same. When Chris was born Chuck Norris retired for fear of competition. Never before has a baby grown such a manly mustache so quickly. By age 3 Chris could bench press 50 lbs, an impressive feat for a 3 year old. At age 10, Chris received a black belt in Karate, Tae kwon do, and Aikido. Making him the most dangerous man-child to ever live.

At age 15 Chris impregnated his entire High school cheerleading team, even the fat ones. At age 18 Chris graduated High school and went to China to challenge Jackie Chan in a fight, Jackie never showed up. Some say it's because he was afraid but most people agree it's because he had better things to do. At age 21 Chris threw the biggest, sexiest party ever. Twelve bacon sandwiches and 15 women later Chris had an epiphany. He thought to himself "Maybe I was meant for something greater?".

Chris finally knew what he had to do, and at age 23 he became the world's greatest male ballerina. Many people questioned his manliness after this and challenged him in mortal combat. Needless to say the ballet had in fact made him even stronger and more agile; no one could defeat him. At age 25 Chris finally settled down and married Jessica alba. They had 20 kids, Jessica to everyone's surprise(including the scientific community) never gained a pound.

At age 30 Chris started his own martial arts school where he taught his 20 manly sons in the way of the fist. Chris died at the age of 50 from a clogged artery, doctors say the beef and bacon sandwiches are what killed him. However most people believed he died from sheer awesomeness.